


Re-Animeator

by Cassiopeia12727



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Episode: s07e19 Hollywood A.D., F/M, Humor, Nonsense, Prompt Fic, Season/Series 07, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23385118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassiopeia12727/pseuds/Cassiopeia12727
Summary: "Scully is once again the target of a zombie serial killer. Smoking Man reveals his connection to the introduction of anime to the US."
Relationships: Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	Re-Animeator

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RationalCashew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RationalCashew/gifts).



> This story is based on a "nutty" Tweet by AssortedFiles that [RationalCashew retweeted](https://twitter.com/rationalcashew/status/1241945619389976577), requesting that someone please turn this into a story. You can find the original [here](https://twitter.com/assortedfiles/status/1241942364614205440) . I'm a sucker for serious silliness, so I just had to get to work. This story doesn't really fit in anywhere after the episode, but I am referencing Hollywood A.D., so sometime after that would make sense.  
> Disclaimer: Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions own The X-Files and all associated characters. I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this story or episodes and movies referenced in it.

Mulder still couldn't put the pieces together. None of the evidence made any sense. The victims had all died gruesome deaths, but their wounds all differed, and some of the bite marks found on them appeared to be from the same killer, whereas others came from a different person or being with human teeth. He decided to go home and watch some porn. Nothing like some good porn to get the creative juices flowing. Once he had his breakthrough, he would give Scully a call. Or maybe he would just skip the porn and call Scully over for some takeout and to pick off where they had stopped during their last private get-together... He was so caught up in his own thoughts walking through the dim garage that he barely noticed the dark figure awaiting him in the shadows behind his car. He startled when he saw the pillar of smoke and heard the voice of one of the biggest sons-of-bitches out of all the sons-of-bitches on the planet.

"Agent Mulder!" the Cigarette Smoking Man greeted him cheerfully.

Mulder did not greet the man and got right down to business. "Why are you here?"

The CSM smirked. "I might just be able to help you with your case," he said.

"How?" Mulder asked, on guard.

"Mulder, do you remember the Lazarus Bowl?"

It took a while for Mulder to figure out what the CSM was talking about, but then it dawned on him.

"Do you mean that terrible movie that we watched a while ago? The one about Scully and I?"

"More specifically, the bowl that the movie is named after," Spender replied.

Mulder responded, "I left halfway through the movie, but I vaguely remember it, yes." What Mulder didn't mention was that he mostly recalled the attractive actress playing Scully.

"Then you know that the Lazarus Bowl can raise the dead."

"What does that ridiculous movie have to do with anything?" Mulder inquired, not understanding where this was going.

The CSM smirked. "Let's just say, 'Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life'. The movie wasn’t all fiction. I was running experiments for the government with a similar device named the ‘Lazarus Bowl’, which isn’t a bowl at all. While I was able to raise the dead, controlling the zombies with the real-life Lazarus Bowl, is much more challenging than I anticipated. Some of the zombies went rogue, just like the undead serial killer that has been chasing Scully. It's quite unfortunate that there was so much collateral damage. You better believe it that I'm not destroying the device, though. It is far too valuable, and we haven’t even started to tap into its full potential, yet. The possibilities!"

Mulder impatiently ran his fingers through his hair, which he had gotten cut a few days prior, temporarily lowering his weapon. His floppy '90s do hadn't required as much maintenance, but he thought his partner preferred the shorter cut. He believed it gave him a smidgen more credibility.

The CSM continued. "As soon as I started working on the Lazarus Bowl experiments, I knew that they would make a great story. You might not know this about me, but I am a writer with connections in the movie industry. Did you really think that the plot of the movie that popularized anime in the United States, 'Akira', was an accident? It's a story about the protagonist's telekinesis and his fight against the military."

He took a long drag off his cigarette, squinting to protect his eyes against the smoke, then he continued.

"I'm sure you're familiar with the Stargate Project commissioned by the Defense Intelligence Agency. As you may know, in the 1973 Geller experiments, the government tested Uri Geller's ability to bend cutlery with the power of his mind. The findings were quite interesting, and it made us believe that popularizing the idea of telekinesis would help us generate conversations and thereby find more people with such abilities. Using a real-life-action movie might have made the idea seem too absurd, so we went with a genre that gave us more creative freedom. Cartoons were already very successful, and one of my friends who was living in Japan told me about a style of animation that was still largely unknown in the United States, anime, that he was working with. 'Akira' was the result of our collaboration."

Spender could tell that he was losing Mulder's attention, so he waved his hand, signaling that that part of his speech lay in the past, before he commenced.

"Anyway, since the undead are now running rampant, I suggest you check in on your partner. She might have received a surprise visit from one of them," he concluded.

Mulder cursed under his breath. It was just like the CSM to hold him back from saving Scully. Spender always either acted with self-serving intentions or out of a masochistic need to see Mulder suffer and fail. How much time had they wasted on this conversation? Mulder pushed past Spender, quickly opened his car door, and jumped in.

Through the car door, he could hear the CSM ramble on, but he wasn't paying attention.

"'The Lazarus Bowl' was surprisingly popular, and they are planning on turning it into a TV show. As with the movie, they want to loosely base it on your and Agent Scully's work, only that they want to take the plot in a different, more bizarre direction. I've heard talk of them giving Scully a half-alien baby with special powers..." But Mulder was already speeding off.

* * *

Scully had settled in for a quiet night at her apartment. She was curled up under her bed sheets with a good book, knowing that her phone could ring anytime between then and getup time, with Mulder announcing his big breakthrough. He probably didn't realize this, but Scully could tell when he had been watching porn before calling her. He had a very distinct post-porn voice. She didn't mind his many quirks, but she was hoping that she wouldn't be forced to be the one to make the next move after their most recent makeout session that took place after the movie premiere. They had used the Bureau credit card that Skinner had given them and had dinner at a restaurant together, after which they had gone to her apartment.

Scully was awoken from her daydream by a slow but heavy knock on the front door. It actually sounded more like a slow motion banging than a knock. That didn't sound like Mulder, but who else would hammer on her door in the middle of the night? Maybe Mulder was drunk or hurt, resulting in the slow pace of the pounding. The sound grew more insistent, and Scully was starting to get the sense that this spelled trouble. Grabbing her weapon from her nightstand, she prepared herself for an intruder. Making as little noise as possible, she crept to the bedroom door and slowly opened it. The banging was much louder in the living room, and Scully could see that the door was shaking from its force. It sounded like the wood in the door was starting to splinter. There was no time to call Mulder for backup. She had to handle this, whatever it was, on her own.

* * *

Mulder could hear a low groaning for "Braaaains!" all the way down the hallway, as soon as he reached Scully's floor. _I bet you'd like a piece of Scully's beautiful mind, but not on my watch_ , Mulder thought, as he ran towards her apartment. He heard shots and quickened his pace, sprint-jumping through the hole that the smashed in apartment door had left in the frame. "Scullaaaay!" Mulder screamed, spinning around with his gun in search of his partner and the zombie serial killer. He saw the zombie hammering against Scully's bedroom door, close to breaking it down. It was a ghastly creature with pieces of rotting flesh dangling off its limbs. There were several bullet holes right through the center of its chest, which must have been inflicted by Scully's gun right before Mulder arrived. Unfortunately, what Scully didn't know was that shots to the chest wouldn't do much to a zombie. "Are you okay?" Mulder yelled, drawing the zombie's attention. Before it had a chance to fully turn around, Mulder emptied a round of bullets directly into the skull of the rogue zombie, causing gray matter to splatter everywhere. "I'm okay, Mulder," Scully replied, the joy of hearing his voice more audible than her fear.

Mulder knew that the shots to the heads would only slow the thing down. What he really had to do was to sever its head from its body. The zombie temporarily became disoriented, feeling for the hole on its head, which bought Mulder a few seconds. Scully wasn't the type to keep decorative swords in her home, so he had to search the kitchen for a suitable weapon. The zombie was slow, but time was running out, and Mulder was now all out of ammunition. After rummaging through various drawers and cabinets, Mulder finally found it: An electric carving knife with a serrated blade. It was probably not strong enough to cut through bone, but it would have to do. Now, the challenge was going to be keeping a safe distance from the zombie that would allow him to cut through the thing's neck. Ideally, they would knock the zombie down and then go for the base of its skull. Thankfully, now that the creature was focused on Mulder, Scully had taken the opportunity to sneak out of the bedroom. The zombie was now only about 9 feet from Mulder, who gestured to Scully for her to grab the big vase close to her. Mulder saw her hesitate for the fraction of a second before getting ready to lift the decorative item. It was probably an expensive designer piece, but now was not the time to worry about that. As she raised it, Mulder could tell that the vase was heavy. Perfect! Just as the zombie was reaching 7 feet from Mulder, Scully leapt forward and brought down the vase on the zombie's head. There was a loud "Clang!" and "Thud!", and the zombie came crashing down on Scully's kitchen floor, its skull cracked wide open. It was still twitching, trying to get back up, but Mulder was ready to take care of that. Without hesitation, he took the electric knife and finished the job, his partner sitting on top of the zombie ensuring that it couldn't get back up or lash out. A few more twitches, and the zombie was done.

Mulder collapsed against one of the cabinets and Scully against the leg of the kitchen table. They were both covered in pieces of brain. For a good minute, they just looked at each other, utterly exhausted. Then, Scully murmured, "I think I need to take a shower." Mulder nodded quietly, then he said, "I think I'll join you."


End file.
